Learning to breathe.

I have always struggled with breathing naturally. Yes, you read that correctly. I have always struggled with one of the most fundamental aspects of being human. I’m sure that sounds a bit strange to most people. In fact, it would have sounded strange to me 7 years ago, before I started practicing yoga.

But as soon as I began my exploration of yoga, this static difficulty of mine became painfully apparent. I found it extremely challenging to let go of my breath, so to speak. While it was relatively easy for me to move my body into the various postures, I struggled to take the asanas deeper by relinquishing control of (or taking control of – depending on how you look at it) my breathing. I had a tendency to hold my breath, thus making it continuously arduous for me to reap the full benefits of my yoga practice.

Today I realized that I never finished the book I started a few months ago, The Wisdom of Yoga, and after my plans for some DC exploration were put on hold due to the rain, I was excited to pick up where I left off:

- Chapter 12: Breath, Trust and The Transmutation of Hunger –

I’ve always thought that my struggle with breathing was relatively unique, but as I reemerged myself into The Wisdom of Yoga, I realized this was probably a long-held misconception on my part.

The chapter began with an example of a woman who had great difficulty with the breathing practice of nadi-shodhana. Stephen Cope, the author as well as this woman’s yoga instructor, noted her “hunger for air – a strange kind of overindulgence.”

She was always moving, driven – eager for the next moment, for what it might bring. She was, as a result, time-bound, rushed, and slightly frantic – always leaning into the next moment.

I felt as if I was reading someone’s thoughts about me. It was strange, but incredibly interesting. As I continued reading, I started to recognize more and more similarities between myself and the woman being used as the example in this particular chapter.

I suddenly realized that in order to really improve my breathing on the mat, I must also focus on my breathing off the mat. If I am able to bring a greater sense of awareness into my “regular” breathing, it will undoubtedly translate into my practice of yoga as well.

Easy, right? Not exactly. But I am looking forward to taking on the challenge.

As realization dawns, the distinction between breathing in and out falls away. Then the veil lifts from the mind’s luminosity. And the mind is now fit for concentration.

I worship at yoga.

This past Sunday morning my mom made her rounds around the house to inform my little brother and sister of the fact that we were all going to church. By the time she made her way to me, I was already in my workout gear. She didn’t have to ask. She already knew. I was opting out of church and going to my place of worship instead.

My mother is well aware of the fact that organized religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But every now and then, I think my agnostic tendencies still get to her. This must have been one of those times.

“I like going to church so I can reflect.”

Good, I thought. She set me up perfectly.

“Well, I like going to yoga so I can reflect.”

It’s true. I’ve never felt more spiritually connected (to what or to whom still remains in question) than when I am fully immersed in my yoga practice. I’ve never felt more grateful for my blessings than when my mind and body become one through a rigorous series of asanas. The physical, mental and emotional clarity that I gain from a single hour of practice is unmatched.

I know my mom still struggles to understand my viewpoint on spirituality and religion. I understand that it must be painful for her to see me “rebel” against something that she believes in. To be honest, I, myself find it challenging to explain my feelings to people who feel so strongly in the opposite direction.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t know what I believe in and I find it extremely difficult to simply adhere to a belief set for the sake of being comforted (apologies in advance to those who may be offended by that statement). Instead, I prefer to seek comfort, empowerment and spiritual understanding through myself, through my own mind and body, which is exactly what the practice of yoga allows me to do.

Namaste.

War With Reality.

I have finally discovered the root of my constant state of wanting more, of being unsatisfied and of always fantasizing about what’s next.

I suffer from duhkha, a pervasive unsatisfactoriness of the moment – or, as Thoreau would say, a “quiet desperation.”

And therefore, as a result, I am forever involved in a silent War With Reality.

I experience this duhkha through raga [the tendency to lean forward away from the moment right now and towards the fantasized moment], dvesha [the tendency to lean backwards away from the moment right now] and moha [i.e. delusion, the  desire to disappear entirely from the moment and simply make everything go away], all of which, combined, keep me from being present with How It Is.

And as a result, my reality is distorted. I am focused on my idealized notions about how I think things should be as opposed to How It Is.

Sounds crazy, huh?

It’s okay. I know that’s what you’re thinking. Go ahead and admit it.

But then scroll back up and read it again. If you really pay attention and focus on the words, and more importantly, if you focus on the meaning of the words, it all starts to make sense.

And once the whole War With Reality concept starts to make sense, everything else suddenly becomes a bit more clear as well.

BUT – and it’s a big but – then what?

How do you transition from having a silent War With Reality to becoming at peace with How It Is?

And that’s exactly where things start to become fuzzy all over again.

The above thoughts and concepts were introduced to me through my reading of The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope, a truly mind-expanding book that discusses far more than the physical benefits of the ancient practice of yoga. With the turn of each page, I discover more about myself and the way my mind (in conjunction with my body) operates. I am very much looking forward to uncovering the answer for the big BUT that lies between the War With Reality and How It Is.

Enlightenment! Enlightenment?

Yesterday I saw a documentary on yoga at the charming independent non-profit Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline. It was fascinating. Actually, the word “fascinating” is probably an understatement. It just doesn’t quite do the film justice.

Regardless, here’s a brief synopsis of Enlighten Up! A skeptic’s journey into the world of yoga:

One women who had been creating documentaries for 9 years and doing yoga for 7 years decided to combine her two passions and go on an exploration of the physical and spiritual practice of yoga. She selected one man to be her guinea pig. He was a young journalist living in New York City. He was not religious. He was not spiritual. He had never taken yoga in his life. Minor details, the filmmaker apparently thought. She was convinced that yoga could transform anyone – even the most skeptical, even the most stubborn.

So, fully invested in this mindset, she immersed her guinea pig into the world of yoga. She advises him to take as many classes as possible, from as many different instructors as possible, in as many different places as possible. He encounters everything imaginable as he takes his yoga quest around the world. He comes face to face with crazy kooks, “enlightened” gurus and avid believers in God.

I don’t want to say how the experiment ends because I don’t want to spoil the film, as I believe that everyone who has ever taken yoga (or anyone who has simply been intrigued by yoga) should see it for themselves, but I will say that I was captivated.

I found that I was especially enthralled with the mindset of the filmmaker’s guinea pig. For me, he was so relateable. He immediately communicated his skepticism of the spiritual component of yoga. While I consider myself to be a very spiritual person, I am not religious in the slightest so it was incredibly interesting to see him struggle with that part of the practice. And it was even more interesting to see what he ultimately discovered towards the end of the film. Again, I will resist from giving away the details. But, as I have already said in so many words, it was spectacular.

Once the film reached its conclusion, I immediately ventured across the street to Brookline Booksmith to pick up a little literature on yoga. I had already been to the fabulous independent bookstore once that day, but I found myself sucked back in to roam the shelves yet another time.

I’ve been practicing yoga for at least 7 years myself (although not as regularly as I would like), but I was all of a sudden overcome with a deep longing to know more about the history of the discipline.

Again, I’m not religious. But I have always been intrigued by many eastern religions like Buddhism and Hinduism, religons with meditative practices that have inspired and influenced yoga to a certain degree.

And now, with this film as my inspiration, I will go on a journey of my own. As I continue to practice yoga on a physical level, I will also explore it more from a spiritual standpoint. Just the anticipation of what I am bound to discover, fills me with a new, refreshed sense of energy, hope and life.

Namaste.