What are you thinking?

…He asks me. For the third, fourth, maybe even fifth time in the span of just a few brief hours.

I look around the room absentmindedly as if critically examining everything – and anything! – that comes into view. I scramble through my head, wondering what to say – or do? – in order to buy a little time.

We were involved in a game that allowed us to deny as long as possible all involvement in its process, a game whose principle rule states that it should be played as though it were not being played, both parties proceeding as though unaware of its existence. We spoke a language that used ordinary words but gave them new meanings, exploiting the tension between coded and ordinary signification.

I can feel his eyes on me. Is he trying to read my mind? A sense of panic starts to spread over my entire body. I figet nervously. I try to direct my thoughts elsewhere – just in case – he actually navigates his way into my head.

Finally I offer up a response. “Nothing,” I say, as I smile at him, ever so slightly, still attempting to mask the spiderweb of everything but nothing in mind.

This has to acceptable. After all, I think to myself, I was just moments ago looking aimlessly around the room as if I was a lost child. And at least this is different from my last response to the same question, which consisted of a short and simple, “I don’t know.”

But, crazy as it sounds, the truth is, I really don’t know what I’m thinking. As soon as I identify one thought, another pops in my head as a rebuttal to the first.

I suffocated on question marks, symbols of the mind’s attempt to understand the chaos: “Why me? Why this? Why now?” I scoured the past to look for origins, omens, offenses, anything that might count as a reason for the unreason that surrounded me…a pattern I might superimpose on the random dots and dashes of my life.

And so we continue the game. Each expertly pretending as if it wasn’t being played. Each doing everything and anything in our power to prevent from acknowledging what is so obviously taking place. Yes, it seems crazy. But the nonsense kind of makes sense. And it’s fun. At least for right now…

I recognized that things needed to remain unsaid. The most attractive are not those who allow us to kiss them at once [we soon feel ungrateful] or those who never allow us to kiss them [we soon forget them], but those who coyly lead us between the two extremes.

So yes, for right now, this works for us – or me, rather. Just as I haven’t really told him what I’m thinking, he hasn’t really told me what he’s thinking. And quite honestly, I’m not sure if I even want to know. That information could be dangerous, it could change everything. And besides, what’s wrong with prolonging the delightful, almost addictive, uncertainty?

The above quotes are taken from the fantastic novel, On Love, by Alain de Botton. A truly fascinating read that I recommend to anyone interested in the way people fall in love and in lust.

Flashback…

Waiting for the pen to dry up so he can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink.

The above quote from StoryPeople perfectly describes the state I’ve been in for quite awhile…I haven’t taken the time to truly dig deep and reflect on my thoughts and feelings because quite honestly, I felt as if I had hit a stalemate. But lately, I’ve found myself wanting – even so much as needing – to get reacquainted with my thoughts.

So here I am.

And while I am yearning to release some of the fresh thoughts that are lingering about in my head, I think I would like to start by first revisiting my past. Rewinding life, so to speak, is always a funny game.

Here are a few excerpts from when I first arrived in Boston a few years ago…

Sunday, October 6, 2006

Secrets…

She walks aimlessly around the city, going about her daily routine. She is in a daze…she casually observes each person she passes without even realizing the scrutiny to which she is objecting them to. She creates complex stories in her head about each stranger’s life. Some of them are deliriously happy. They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, nice families, decent jobs, their lives are perfectly planned out – - nothing could be better.Others struggle through each day desperately attempting to mask their despair from the outside world. They aren’t happy, for many reasons…

 

While these stories are fictional, existing only in her mind, she takes comfort in them. She likes knowing (or in this case, making herself believe) that everyone else has their own dark secrets. It doesn’t matter that she is the one who has created these secrets for the unknowing strangers.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Strangers…

Strangers. Why am I so drawn to people I know absolutely nothing or very little about? The uncertainty of such people is practically a magnetic force drawing me in. The getting-to-know-you process is intoxicating, unpredictable…stimulating. Like riding a roller coaster for the very first time. Each second brings upon a new turn, a steep hill or a surprising drop. The anticipation of what may or may not happen next is almost orgasmic.

 

Yet…
Why do I get bored so quickly? I demand to be fascinated otherwise I lose all interest. As soon as the roller coaster slows down I am ready to get off and find a new one.

I wonder…
Will I ever get over my intense desire for intrigue and passion? And do I even want to lose the qualities that seem to define me..

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Choose your own adventure…

Sometimes I wonder…is life essentially a choose your own adventure novel? Does each little choice impact the eventual outcome of your life? Or…are some choices trivial and unimportant while others have massive consequences and implications? Sometimes it’s interesting to look back and think “what if I had decided to do that instead of this?” But then take it deeper…actually delve into it completely…what really might have happened? One seemingly simple decision to do one thing over another could have – and most likely did – alter the entire course of my life. And thinking about it now…what would be different if I had picked the alternate route? I don’t hesitate to say…probably everything.

 

I wonder…why am I here at this point in my life doing whatever it is that I am doing? Did I choose this for myself? Or was it somehow decided for me? Or am I just asking questions for the sake of asking questions?

The later is probably the most likely. I have a tendency to do that.

And on another note…if we are just choosing our own adventure…why do some people choose such horrifying and heartbreaking adventures? I just don’t understand.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Change…

So here I am again…Transition. Oh how I despise that word. Even just typing it makes my whole body cringe. And yet…I love surprises, I love not knowing how things are going to turn out, I love just living and seeing where life decides to take me…but I cannot stand times of transition. As if I wasn’t anxious enough already. I always say I like change, it makes life interesting…but I am starting to think that I just tell myself that because that’s the attitude I wish I had. Or maybe it is the attitude I used to have and now that I’m getting older it’s harder to stick to that mentality. Everything seems to carry more weight now…And then I start to question the decisions I made that have led me to this point…were they really the right decisions? Was I really doing what I wanted? Or was I just doing what I thought I wanted? Again, trying to be the person I thought I wanted to be rather than just being the person I actually am…it’s hard to tell at this point. I am so absorbed in my “vision” for my life. I guess I always have been that way. But now I am starting to wonder why…what caused me to be so obsessed with all of this? So selfish…

 

And what now? Can I change my outlook on life? Do I even want to? What if I am starting to realize I don’t really want all the things I have worked so hard for? What if I am starting to realize I want something completely opposite of what I thought I wanted? Or am I, yet again, questioning and over-analyzing things just because that happens to be what I do best…so it seems.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Rain…

It’s rainy out. But nice…the relaxing sort of rain, the kind of rain that is calming, not the kind that simply puts a damper on an otherwise perfect day. It’s the kind of day where the rain is welcome, in fact preferred, over sunshine. It is the kind of day where the rain showers the city and washes it clean again…because of the rain, everything – everybody – can start fresh, start anew…mistakes can be forgotten, regrets pushed aside. Not that she has any regrets. As you know, she doesn’t believe in that word. However, if any regret-like thoughts were lingering in her mind, they vanished today…vanished with the sunshine. She decides it would be a good day to take a walk. The rain doesn’t keep her inside, doesn’t inhibit her…it fact, it seems as if it does just the opposite. Sparks her curiosity…

As she steps outside, she looks around and quickly notices that she seems to be the only one enjoying the rain. Everyone else seems to have only ventured out because of an absolute necessity…so sad, she thinks. If only these people could appreciate the rain, see the possibility hidden within each raindrop.

Oh well, she sighs, smiles…and looks up at the sky…full of promise. These unfortunate people will not have any power over her today. And then, suddenly, they disappear. Almost magically. She is now alone, with the rain…if that can be considered alone… She looks around again…happy, this time, to see only signs of appreciation. The flowers and plants certainly understand the way she feels about the rain today. The squirrels frolick around, chasing each other up and down trunks of trees.

So nice, she thinks…that she is not the only one who doesn’t view a rainy day as a wasted day. Ahhh, so refreshing, so cleansing, so revitalizing…

———————————————————-

Okay, that’s enough of a flashback. Interesting though. I’m going to contemplate some of the ideas I brought up in those entries for awhile and then “start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink.” Stay tuned.