Just suck it up and be nice.

The lyrics are out to get me.

It’s a typical day in my life these days: I’m at Starbucks. I’m looking for jobs. Shocker, right? Hardly.

Needless to say, it has been a typically frustrating morning. But that’s nothing new. These days I’m in a constant state of boosting myself up only to be knocked down again. These days my emotions follow a very constant and predictable pattern: I wake up confident and ready to conquer the day (and the job search), I go to the gym and my adrenaline is pumped up even more. I get to my office (i.e. Starbucks) and I’m ready to go. I start off strong, optimistic, and prepped for success. And then it happens…my confidence and enthusiasm is sucked out of me as if I’m a Vampire’s object of affection. And before I know it I’m totally drained, exhausted, once again defeated.

But I suppose all of that is totally irrelevant because that isn’t what this entry is about at all. Like I said, the lyrics are out to get me. But don’t worry Nickelback, today I’m won’t pick on you.

Just as I took a moment to push the pause button in my job search and bitch to a couple friends about how annoying and frustrating of a process it is, Pandora decides it needs to put me in my place.

Maybe you don’t like your job
Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep
Well nobody likes their job
Nobody got enough sleep
Maybe you just had
The worst day of your life
But, you know, there’s no escape
And there’s no excuse
So just suck up and be nice
Be nice
Be nice
Be nice…

Oh geez, I thought to myself as the ridiculous chorus repeats itself. Okay, okay, Pandora, you win. It’s not that serious. I know, I know, I’ve hardly scratched the surface of this transition. I’ve hardly put forth enough effort to warrant one complaint, much less, the crazy amount of complaints I’ve already tossed out. There is absolutely no reason to be in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself…at least not yet. Thanks, Pandora. I needed that reminder. I needed that laugh.

Yeah, I would like to perfect the art
Of being studiously aloof
Like life is just a boring chore
And I am living proof
I could join forces with an army of ornery hipsters
But then I guess I’d be out of a job
So I guess that’s out of the picture

The song I quoted above, Pixie, is by Ani DiFranco. I strongly recommend it to anyone that needs a good laugh and a reminder to not take life – or yourself – too seriously.

If today was my last day.

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late -
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

As I drove to Starbucks this morning, listening to the radio with the windows down, breathing in the natural air while the sun danced hot on my face, Nickelback kept repeating these lyrics, asking these questions.

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you’re dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you’d finally fall in love if today was your last day?

I used to pay so much attention to song lyrics. I used to dissect them constantly, desperately trying to relate them to my life no matter how much stretching and decomposing I had to do in order to achieve the connection. Lately, however, I have noticed that I’m often too lost in my own head that I hardly pay attention to the music, much less the lyrics.

But today was different. Nickelback captured my attention today. For some reason, as Nickelback reflected on what people would (or should?) do if today was their last day, I started really listening to the words and thinking about the meaning of the song.

And then I started laughing to myself about how ridiculous it actually was. I started thinking about how there have been so many songs, so many articles, so many books and so many movies written about living life as if every day was your last day. I really don’t mean to sound negative, but seriously, take a moment to consider how absurd it would be for anyone to actually behave as if every day was their last.

It wouldn’t really be life at all…at least not real life. It just isn’t realistic. Nobody would ever get anything done. Nobody would strive towards the future. And I’m sorry Nickelback, but I really doubt that most people would give all their money away – at least not before blowing the majority of it on all the things they never were able to see and do earlier in life. On the other hand, everyone would feel terrible if they weren’t able to do everything they wanted to do each and every day. Let’s be serious, even if today was your last day, would you really be able to do absolutely everything you had always wanted to do?

I think it is far better to simply concentrate on being your best self every day as opposed to living every day as if it could be your last. Sure, go ahead and make plans to follow your dreams, catch up with old friends, make amends with your enemies and contribute to the good of society, but mainly focus on just making each day worth it. That could mean doing something truly spectacular or simply checking something off your to-do list.

Live each day as if it were on purpose not as if was your last.

War With Reality.

I have finally discovered the root of my constant state of wanting more, of being unsatisfied and of always fantasizing about what’s next.

I suffer from duhkha, a pervasive unsatisfactoriness of the moment – or, as Thoreau would say, a “quiet desperation.”

And therefore, as a result, I am forever involved in a silent War With Reality.

I experience this duhkha through raga [the tendency to lean forward away from the moment right now and towards the fantasized moment], dvesha [the tendency to lean backwards away from the moment right now] and moha [i.e. delusion, the  desire to disappear entirely from the moment and simply make everything go away], all of which, combined, keep me from being present with How It Is.

And as a result, my reality is distorted. I am focused on my idealized notions about how I think things should be as opposed to How It Is.

Sounds crazy, huh?

It’s okay. I know that’s what you’re thinking. Go ahead and admit it.

But then scroll back up and read it again. If you really pay attention and focus on the words, and more importantly, if you focus on the meaning of the words, it all starts to make sense.

And once the whole War With Reality concept starts to make sense, everything else suddenly becomes a bit more clear as well.

BUT – and it’s a big but – then what?

How do you transition from having a silent War With Reality to becoming at peace with How It Is?

And that’s exactly where things start to become fuzzy all over again.

The above thoughts and concepts were introduced to me through my reading of The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope, a truly mind-expanding book that discusses far more than the physical benefits of the ancient practice of yoga. With the turn of each page, I discover more about myself and the way my mind (in conjunction with my body) operates. I am very much looking forward to uncovering the answer for the big BUT that lies between the War With Reality and How It Is.

I’ll be a dancer in my next life.

I’ve always wanted to dance. Well maybe not always…maybe I didn’t looove it when I was actually doing it (ballet, jazz, tap, clogging – ha! yes, clogging) in Kindergarten, 1st & 2nd grade…but ever since then, I find myself thinking…

Wow, I wish I was a dancer!

I still blame my mom for not putting me back into dance classes when we moved the summer before I entered the 3rd grade. But I know it probably wasn’t her fault. Instead, I most likely said I didn’t want to do it anymore. Just like piano.

I wish I would have kept dancing.

But of course, it’s always easier to say “I wish I did _____” in retrospect.

I have all the dance movies – Dirty Dancing, Center Stage, Save the Last Dance, Step Up…every time (and there have been a lot of times) I watch them, I watch with envy.

I watch all the dance reality TV shows – So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, Dance War…every time (again, there have been a lot of times) I watch them, I watch in awe.

Wow, that’s amazing! That’s incredible! I wish I could move like that! I wish I had her body! Why couldn’t I have stuck with dance when I was young & impressionable?

I’m starting to get over it. It is what it is. Life isn’t like the movies. Life isn’t like reality television. Unfortunately. Or fortunately? I guess it depends on how you look at it.

I’m just focusing on what I can do now – and what I will do, in my next life.

Now I have to be happy with dancing in the club, around my apartment or in Zumba class at the gym.

In my next life, I’ll be a dancer. I’ll learn the moves faster than Baby in Dirty Dancing. I’ll prove everyone wrong like Jody in Center Stage. I’ll shock the world more than Melissa from The Bachelor on Dancing with the Stars. And I’ll fall in love with the sexiest bad boy turned arts school student like Nora in Step Up.

Yes, just wait…I’ll be a dancer in my next life. This life is just for practice.