Did the last 3 years even happen?

The last 3 years of my life were amazing. I graduated from college. I moved to Boston. I got my master degree. I completed my first “real world” job. And I became myself.

Sure it may sound a bit extreme to say that I “became myself” through these pretty typical life transitions and landmarks. But I truly believe that I transformed into the person I am today – and the person I will be throughout the rest of my life – during the years in which I was in Boston. While embarking on a countless number of changes and firsts, I also discovered a lot about myself: who I am, who I was, who I want to be and what I want out of life (as well as, and perhaps more importantly, what I don’t want out of life)…

With these discoveries emerged my decision to leave Boston in search of what I want(ed) most.

And then – Poof! – All of a sudden, everything changed.

Life is funny like that.

I haven’t even been away from Boston for an entire week, and yet, I feel like the last 3 years of my life never even happened. Seriously. I even had to pinch myself when I woke up this morning. And yesterday morning. And even the morning before that.

Boston? Grad School? Job? It feels as if none of it actually happened. In fact, I feel like I have reversed my life by 3 years. I feel as if I have been teleported back to a past life, and yet, it doesn’t really feel like a past life at all. It feels like a life I never left.

And I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t want Boston, my experiences in Boston and most importantly, my self-discoveries made in Boston to feel like a dream or a fantasy or a figment of my imagination…please, let it feel real.

Please, let it all feel real.

Goodbye.

…such a simple word for something that is so far from simple. How could seven little letters possibly tell the whole story?

Goodbye just doesn’t seem to do the experience (or the people) to which (or whom) you are saying goodbye justice.

Goodbye is too short. Just two syllables and it’s all over. It’s too quick — especially when quick is actually the opposite of what it (the people, the places, the moments, the experience…everything) was.

I wonder who decided that the word “goodbye” would be enough to represent what it actually means. And when are goodbyes actually good?

I have a tendency to to prolong goodbyes. I’ve been saying goodbye to Boston for several weeks now. Some people might think that this would make the transition even more difficult, but for me, it has helped ease the discomfort of the change. It has allowed me to take time appreciating everything (and everyone) I love before having to actually leave this city. And it has allowed me to start coming to terms with the final goodbye, the final moment when my bags are packed and I drive off into the sunset towards my new life. I know it may seem silly and a bit dramatic, but please try to excuse me as I perpetuate and romanticize this goodbye. Because for me, seven letters just aren’t enough.

Going backwards to move fowards…

Today is my last day of employment for an indefinite amount of time.

And I’m about to do a couple things I thought (and repeatedly said) I would never do:

I’m moving back in with my parents.

I’m trying to get a job in Washington, DC.

W-a-i-t, I find myself thinking…is this really me?

It’s all happening, but I still can’t really believe it. Don’t get me wrong: I know this is what I want to do. And I know this is a change for the better. I just can’t really process it all quite yet. And I feel like I’m moving in reverse.

For as long as I can remember I have been very future-oriented, very direction-minded, very plan-focused. And this was never part of the plan.

But here I am. Here I am going backwards (figuratively as well as literally) in hopes that it will help to propel me forwards.

And I know it doesn’t seem this way, but I am starting to come to terms with the situation.

Quitting means not giving up, but moving on. Changing direction not because something doesn’t agree with you, but because you don’t agree with something. It’s not a complaint, in other words, but a positive choice, and not a stop in one’s journey, but a step in a better direction. Quitting- whether a job or a habit- means taking a turn so as to be sure you’re still moving in the direction of your dreams.