The “rules” of attraction.

What makes someone attractive?

It sounds like a relatively simple question with a seemingly obvious answer, but the fact of the matter is that the rules of attraction are neither simple nor obvious.

I had an interesting encounter with someone recently. This particular guy didn’t exactly fit the mold of the type of person I am typically attracted to.

Typically. That’s a loaded word. I should never use the word typically in any sentence where I am describing myself.

My typical tendencies (or lack thereof) aside, I found myself attracted to this guy, and yet simultaneously repulsed by him. Quite the oxymoron, huh?

He didn’t play games. He was forward and direct. He said exactly what he wanted. It was refreshing and different, yet at the same time, slightly abrupt and offensive. I couldn’t figure him out, even though on the surface it seemed as if he was transparent.

I didn’t know how to respond. At first I was flattered…even turned on. I started to get into the game of not playing games. But then I realized we were playing a game…just a different kind of game. And then something in me shifted. I suddenly wasn’t sure if I could compete (or wanted to compete, rather) in this type of game. It made me uncomfortable. And yet, for some reason, I let it continue.

Afterwards, several hours removed from the moment, I got to thinking. Why was I attracted to this guy? And why did I let myself become so easily swayed by the crudeness of his behavior? I actually used the word “refreshing” to describe him. Yet really, the situation was anything but.

Got you. You’re mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you’re standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say “I love you I love you I love you” while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you’re always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won’t burn together, I’ll burn alone.

Spark, Suffocated.

Last night I went out to dinner with one of my ex-boyfriends…the same ex-boyfriend from my What are you thinking? post back in May.

I was excited, but I quickly realized that my excitement was also laced with a bit of frustration.

Yes, I wanted to see him. I always want to see him. But, last night, I didn’t really want to see him.

Confused? Okay, let me rewind…

This particular ex-boyfriend has a strange effect on me. I can’t exactly put it into words, but I am always left a bit out of sorts after each encounter we have. Needless to say, now is not the time for me to be out of sorts. Correction: now is not the time for me to be more out of sorts than I already am given my current limbo-like situation.

I need to focus. And I do not need distractions.

But I guess I got myself all worked up and worried for nothing. Last night was fun, don’t get me wrong, but it was definitely lacking in the game-playing/sparks-flying department.

I’m not sure if it was my subconscious or my body that was looking out for me. Regardless, after several hours, I couldn’t ignore what was going on. I wasn’t feeling well and, as a result, the night was prematurely cut short.

It couldn’t have gone better. It was great to see him, as it always is. But it was even greater to see him and have it be left at that. I’m just not up for playing any games right now.

Off-limits.

off–lim·its: not to be interfered with, considered, or spoken of <her best friend’s ex-boyfriend was off-limits due to an unspoken girl code>

We all know of these codes: the unspoken cultural “rules” of acceptable behavior when it comes to navigating the sometimes choppy waters of feelings, friendships and relationships.

But I wonder, how often are these codes really adhered to? And more importantly, how often are these codes casually and subtly ignored? How often are these codes overlooked for the sake of curiosity, the sake of a little crush or simply the sake of some excitement?

The other day I ran into the roommate of a guy I used to date. Well, technically, he is now the ex-roommate of a guy I used to date. But you get where I’m going with this…

It’s was funny - for some reason he couldn’t remember which of his roommates he knew me from yet he could remember little details about me in general (where I was from, where I went to college, where I worked, etc). I chalked it up to my catching him off guard before he had his morning coffee (we ran into each other in line at Starbucks). No big deal, I thought, just another random encounter.

Later that night he requested me as a friend on Facebook and sent me a message saying how nice it had been to see me. It still didn’t really make much sense to me (I couldn’t even remember his name, much less anything else about him!), but I accepted his digital friendship nevertheless. What’s one more friend once you have over 700?

The next night he messaged me again:

What’s your story this weekend? We should catch up.

Catch up? He lost me there. What exactly did we have to catch up on, I wondered? When I was dating his roommate, I think we exchanged a total of 9 words…if that!

And so I started thinking…who really counts as off-limits? Of course, the above story is a relatively mild example as I only dated his roommate for a few months and they don’t even live together anymore. Not to mention the fact that his roommate is now on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Regardless, they are still friends.

But I’ve definitely had my fair share of far more extreme off-limits situations. The absolute worst was probably when the brother of a guy I was dating told me he was a better match for me than his brother at his brother’s birthday party.

I know you’re dating my brother, but I think I would be so much better for you. You and I have so much more in common. And, I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but I think he may be cheating on you.

Yep, that one could be in the dictionary as an example for the term off-limits…especially because, as it turned out, the brother in question was not actually cheating on me.

But I digress…really, what counts as off-limits anymore? I feel like people in general are starting to have less and less regard for these so-called codes and unspoken rules. If your brothers current girlfriend doesn’t fall into the off-limits column, I don’t know what does! Granted, sometimes these codes seem a little silly, but for the most part I think they have been etched into our culture for the sole reason of preventing people from getting caught up in the moment and therefore causing unnecessary pain to those they care for. These unspoken rules, as trivial as they may sometimes seem, greatly help to reduce the drama of human nature. So why do so many people insist upon crossing the line and breaking the code?

Sweating more, crushing harder.

I have fallen in love with my spin instructor.

I fell in love with him the first time I took his class. He was silly. He was fun. He was slightly dorky. He was highly motivating. And he had a smile that made my legs feel like jello – not exactly the most desirable outcome during a spin class, but regardless: I was instantly smitten.

Then I became overwhelmed with the daily grind of my life and I stopped going to his classes on a regular basis. In hindsight, it was a ridiculous course of action (or lack of action, rather) for me to take.

But I finally came to my senses a couple months ago and realized that the gym is my sanctuary, my haven, my single source of sanity, and – most importantly – my destination to revel in this childish crush.

Every time I begin one of his classes I feel as if I’ve been teleported back to middle school. Those crazy butterfly-like feelings consume me. I feel anxious.  I feel giddy and excited. I become strangely in tune with my body. I become one with the bike. I become oddly and acutely aware of the redness that envelopes my face. Everything is hot. Is it the spinning? Or is it him? 

Crank up your resistance. Harness that motivating force inside of you and push yourself harder. It may be hard now, but look towards the finish line. Think about how good you will feel once you cross that finish line.

I follow his commands. I increase my resistance. I pedal harder, stronger, faster. I reach deep inside myself for that motivator. He is my motivator. I can’t possibly let him think that I am slacking, not giving it my all, not pushing myself to the limit. I struggle to breathe. At the end of each drill, I gasp for air. Beads of sweat pour down my face. By the time class comes to a close, I am drenched. And I feel happy. So happy. And I feel good. So good.