The “rules” of attraction.

What makes someone attractive?

It sounds like a relatively simple question with a seemingly obvious answer, but the fact of the matter is that the rules of attraction are neither simple nor obvious.

I had an interesting encounter with someone recently. This particular guy didn’t exactly fit the mold of the type of person I am typically attracted to.

Typically. That’s a loaded word. I should never use the word typically in any sentence where I am describing myself.

My typical tendencies (or lack thereof) aside, I found myself attracted to this guy, and yet simultaneously repulsed by him. Quite the oxymoron, huh?

He didn’t play games. He was forward and direct. He said exactly what he wanted. It was refreshing and different, yet at the same time, slightly abrupt and offensive. I couldn’t figure him out, even though on the surface it seemed as if he was transparent.

I didn’t know how to respond. At first I was flattered…even turned on. I started to get into the game of not playing games. But then I realized we were playing a game…just a different kind of game. And then something in me shifted. I suddenly wasn’t sure if I could compete (or wanted to compete, rather) in this type of game. It made me uncomfortable. And yet, for some reason, I let it continue.

Afterwards, several hours removed from the moment, I got to thinking. Why was I attracted to this guy? And why did I let myself become so easily swayed by the crudeness of his behavior? I actually used the word “refreshing” to describe him. Yet really, the situation was anything but.

Got you. You’re mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you’re standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say “I love you I love you I love you” while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you’re always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won’t burn together, I’ll burn alone.

Spark, Suffocated.

Last night I went out to dinner with one of my ex-boyfriends…the same ex-boyfriend from my What are you thinking? post back in May.

I was excited, but I quickly realized that my excitement was also laced with a bit of frustration.

Yes, I wanted to see him. I always want to see him. But, last night, I didn’t really want to see him.

Confused? Okay, let me rewind…

This particular ex-boyfriend has a strange effect on me. I can’t exactly put it into words, but I am always left a bit out of sorts after each encounter we have. Needless to say, now is not the time for me to be out of sorts. Correction: now is not the time for me to be more out of sorts than I already am given my current limbo-like situation.

I need to focus. And I do not need distractions.

But I guess I got myself all worked up and worried for nothing. Last night was fun, don’t get me wrong, but it was definitely lacking in the game-playing/sparks-flying department.

I’m not sure if it was my subconscious or my body that was looking out for me. Regardless, after several hours, I couldn’t ignore what was going on. I wasn’t feeling well and, as a result, the night was prematurely cut short.

It couldn’t have gone better. It was great to see him, as it always is. But it was even greater to see him and have it be left at that. I’m just not up for playing any games right now.

Off-limits.

off–lim·its: not to be interfered with, considered, or spoken of <her best friend’s ex-boyfriend was off-limits due to an unspoken girl code>

We all know of these codes: the unspoken cultural “rules” of acceptable behavior when it comes to navigating the sometimes choppy waters of feelings, friendships and relationships.

But I wonder, how often are these codes really adhered to? And more importantly, how often are these codes casually and subtly ignored? How often are these codes overlooked for the sake of curiosity, the sake of a little crush or simply the sake of some excitement?

The other day I ran into the roommate of a guy I used to date. Well, technically, he is now the ex-roommate of a guy I used to date. But you get where I’m going with this…

It’s was funny - for some reason he couldn’t remember which of his roommates he knew me from yet he could remember little details about me in general (where I was from, where I went to college, where I worked, etc). I chalked it up to my catching him off guard before he had his morning coffee (we ran into each other in line at Starbucks). No big deal, I thought, just another random encounter.

Later that night he requested me as a friend on Facebook and sent me a message saying how nice it had been to see me. It still didn’t really make much sense to me (I couldn’t even remember his name, much less anything else about him!), but I accepted his digital friendship nevertheless. What’s one more friend once you have over 700?

The next night he messaged me again:

What’s your story this weekend? We should catch up.

Catch up? He lost me there. What exactly did we have to catch up on, I wondered? When I was dating his roommate, I think we exchanged a total of 9 words…if that!

And so I started thinking…who really counts as off-limits? Of course, the above story is a relatively mild example as I only dated his roommate for a few months and they don’t even live together anymore. Not to mention the fact that his roommate is now on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Regardless, they are still friends.

But I’ve definitely had my fair share of far more extreme off-limits situations. The absolute worst was probably when the brother of a guy I was dating told me he was a better match for me than his brother at his brother’s birthday party.

I know you’re dating my brother, but I think I would be so much better for you. You and I have so much more in common. And, I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but I think he may be cheating on you.

Yep, that one could be in the dictionary as an example for the term off-limits…especially because, as it turned out, the brother in question was not actually cheating on me.

But I digress…really, what counts as off-limits anymore? I feel like people in general are starting to have less and less regard for these so-called codes and unspoken rules. If your brothers current girlfriend doesn’t fall into the off-limits column, I don’t know what does! Granted, sometimes these codes seem a little silly, but for the most part I think they have been etched into our culture for the sole reason of preventing people from getting caught up in the moment and therefore causing unnecessary pain to those they care for. These unspoken rules, as trivial as they may sometimes seem, greatly help to reduce the drama of human nature. So why do so many people insist upon crossing the line and breaking the code?

Holding my gaze just a little too long…

I love being surrounded by people I don’t know in the slightest. There is just something so oddly exciting about it. Anything can happen at any moment. The thought of not knowing what the next minute, or even second, will bring is absolutely exhilarating.

I especially like to look around at people, let them catch my gaze and then keep holding it…for just a half-moment too long. Perhaps make them a bit nervous. Perhaps make them question themselves. It’s a great game to play with people I’ll most likely never see again. Will they continue to wonder…hours later? Will they think:

Why was that random girl looking at me like that? What was she thinking?

Probably not. But maybe.

I just can’t help it. It’s addictive. I get a rush from letting my eyes linger just a little too long. I am especially fond of doing a little flirting with my eyes. Sometimes I think it’s even more stimulating than flirting in a verbal or physical way.

Today I caught the gaze of one guy…held it…and he held his gaze on me. But then, without warning (or maybe we just weren’t paying attention) he was on one side of the closing T doors and I was on the other. And our moment (if you could call it that) was instantly and abruptly over.

Oh well, I thought. That was fun, but there will be others. I’m lucky. I tend to capture (or force?) a lot of moments like that. Fun and fleeting and essentially without meaning, yes, but they add a fun dash of randomness and unpredictableness to my life.

And sure enough, just a few minutes later, another guy caught my attention in the quick half-second where I looked up from the transcribing of my thoughts. Sure enough, he was heading towards the soon to be closing T door himself.

To go home? To meet up with family or friends? Was he going on some sort of an excursion?

…I thought to myself. Our eyes met and stayed glued on each other…briefly. And then I looked away. But ever so quickly and only to look right back at him. He kept walking yet he continued to look back at me. The moment (with the guy) walked further and further away and eventually walked right out the door. But the moment (and the guy) left me with happy butterflies.

Ahhh yes, so silly, I know. But that’s okay. Just another reason why I love being surrounded by people I don’t know in the slightest.

You can never really trust frozen food.

Last night I rushed to the grocery store in my kiss-covered pajama pants & Red Sox hoodie, eager to get my weekly grocery shopping done before the start of what would prove to be an extremely disappointing Celtics vs. Magic Game 7. I wasn’t really concerned that my appearance resembled that of a bear coming out of hibernation after a long winter. I just wanted to stock up on Lean Cuisines, oatmeal and yogurt for the week ahead.

I efficiently made my trip around the grocery store collecting each item on my mental checklist in a state of complete disregard for anything – and anyone – around me. As I debated over which Lean Cuisines I was in the mood for this week, I continued to remain oblivious to my surroundings.

Is that one good?

I glanced over to my left. Was this guy in the awful mustard-colored “Super Fan” Boston College t-shirt talking to me?

It looks good, but you can never really trust frozen food.

I humored him for a few minutes as I tried to figure out why he seemed so familiar. After a strange, and far too long, conversation about frozen food I realized that a) the time before tip-off was rapidly approaching and b) I didn’t really want to be talking to him anyways.

So I mumbled something about needing to get going so I could get back home for the game and started to veer in the direction of the checkout counter.

Well, it was nice to meet you. What’s your name? I’m Mike.

It suddenly hit me. This guy in the frozen food aisle was the same “Mike” who had hit on me in the cereal aisle about a year ago. Seriously, I thought, is this guy for real? At that point my mind & body instantly went into escape mode.

As I half-walked/half-ran back to my apartment, I couldn’t help but remain completely perplexed by what had just transpired in the grocery store. I remembered first meeting “Cereal Guy,” as my friends & I had dubbed him. I remember the awkwardly forced conversation about my mango crunch cereal selection. I remember not being able to make up a lie about having a boyfriend when he told me he’d like to hang out. I remember not being able to quickly come up with a fake number to give him when he asked for my digits. I remember responding to his first two text messages and then transitioning into an ignore & avoid strategy. And I remember forcing the fizzle.

Did he really not remember any of that first encounter? Or did he actually remember and just pretend as if he didn’t? Or – worse – does he just make a habit of hitting on unsuspecting grocery store shoppers by commenting casually on their cereal and frozen food selections? Either way, it didn’t look good for him.

Oh well, I thought. This time I handled it the way I should have handled it the first time. I was nice, but I didn’t let the conversation get to the point where he could ask me for my number. I cut him off a couple steps before that question. Now it’s just a funny story. At least that’s what I thought…

A couple hours later I received a Facebook friend request from someone named Michael. Noooooooooooo, I thought, it just couldn’t be! Oh, but it was. “Cereal Guy” turned “Frozen Food Guy” had somehow found me on Facebook and decided it would be perfectly normal to request me as a friend. Let’s think about this for a moment, shall we?

He was armed with the following information:

– Emily

– from Virginia

– who was currently living in Boston

– after attending grad school at Emerson

Okay, so maybe I gave him a little too much informational ammunition. But still. Who does that?! Obviously, things didn’t exactly work out the first time. So why would he even bother?

Needless to say, I have not accepted his friend request. But I also haven’t ignored it. At least not yet. Don’t worry, I fully intend on pressing the oh so ominous “ignore” button, but not until I’ve fully scoured his profile page in an attempt to discover a reason for his apparent insanity. Seriously, who does this kind of thing?