He Cheated on Her.

My mother and my father divorced when I was four-years-old. At the time I suppose I was upset, but I can’t really recall the details of the moment to tell you for sure. Regardless, I have never considered myself to be a child of a broken home. I have actually always considered myself to be very lucky. My mom met an amazing man when I was five-years-old who soon became my step-father and more of a real father to me than my biological father has ever been.

I continued to affectionately call my father “daddy” several years after my parents were divorced. It took me awhile, but once I started to put the puzzle pieces together, I realized my father wasn’t the person my little girl eyes thought he was. He was selfish and manipulative. But despite my becoming acutely aware of these flaws, I never knew he was that kind of person. I never knew he cheated on my mother.

Until this past weekend.

I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked. But I couldn’t help it: I was speechless, I was disgusted.

For so many years, I’ve been trying to salvage the small resemblance of a relationship I have with my father. And now, I’m forced to ask myself why I’ve even bothered.

I already have a long list of qualities I don’t like about him. Add this to the mix? I honestly don’t know if I can find it in myself to try anymore. I don’t know if I can find it in myself to even care. I’m 21 years removed from the situation, but I feel pain as if it happened just yesterday. And I’m angry. I’m more angry with my father than I have ever been before (which is saying quite a lot). I feel pain, I feel anger, and yet I feel numb. Completely numb.

Once a cheetah always a cheater?

I’ve never followed golf and I’ve never cared too much about Tiger Woods, but for some reason the recent scandal surrounding his life has made me really sad.

He’s been in the spotlight for quite some time and he’s always managed to keep a crystal clear record. He projected perfection. Career. Fame. Fortune. Family. It was all just so perfect. Perhaps too perfect.

Regardless, it seemed real. He did nothing to make anyone believe his life was anything other than a fairy tale. He did nothing to tarnish his image. Until earlier this week.

Suddenly everything changed. Suddenly the crystal clear record shattered. Suddenly everything was different, everything was tainted.

So why am I so upset by Tiger’s unfortunate situation?

While I consider myself to be a relatively optimistic person, I find that I can also be pretty skeptical at times. Especially when it comes to people and especially when it comes to men. Ordinary people (I’m not just singling out men here) have the amazing ability to turn themselves into fantastic actors of deception. The sad fact of the matter is that people can portray themselves in any way they like. If someone wants you to believe that they are a kind, honest, trustworthy person, more likely than not, they have the ability to do so.

This is why so many relationships fail. Because somewhere along the line, the acting slips just a little and the true colors of the person start to shine through. This indirectly aligns with the theme of my previous post. Whenever my mother and I were having a discussion about the opposite sex, usually the following words of wisdom would be thrown into the conversation:

“You can’t change people. And people can’t change themselves unless they truly want to change.”

I will always have my mother to thank for instilling this powerful mindset in me. It is foolish to believe that anyone can ever really change. Sure, people can “change” all the time. But the changes that are possible are changes on the surface, changes within the context, changes due to circumstances and surroundings. Not deep changes of character.

Back to Tiger. It saddens me that Tiger, someone who is in the spotlight and under constant scrutiny, was able to maintain his image for as long as he did. It is heartbreaking that someone who seemingly has it all (and yes, I realize not everything is as it seems) still feels the need to resort to something like this. It makes me question the human condition. It leaves me little hope for the rest of us. And it proves that the acting has gotten better.

I want to have faith in people. I want to have faith in relationships. But it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to do so.

Off-limits.

off–lim·its: not to be interfered with, considered, or spoken of <her best friend’s ex-boyfriend was off-limits due to an unspoken girl code>

We all know of these codes: the unspoken cultural “rules” of acceptable behavior when it comes to navigating the sometimes choppy waters of feelings, friendships and relationships.

But I wonder, how often are these codes really adhered to? And more importantly, how often are these codes casually and subtly ignored? How often are these codes overlooked for the sake of curiosity, the sake of a little crush or simply the sake of some excitement?

The other day I ran into the roommate of a guy I used to date. Well, technically, he is now the ex-roommate of a guy I used to date. But you get where I’m going with this…

It’s was funny - for some reason he couldn’t remember which of his roommates he knew me from yet he could remember little details about me in general (where I was from, where I went to college, where I worked, etc). I chalked it up to my catching him off guard before he had his morning coffee (we ran into each other in line at Starbucks). No big deal, I thought, just another random encounter.

Later that night he requested me as a friend on Facebook and sent me a message saying how nice it had been to see me. It still didn’t really make much sense to me (I couldn’t even remember his name, much less anything else about him!), but I accepted his digital friendship nevertheless. What’s one more friend once you have over 700?

The next night he messaged me again:

What’s your story this weekend? We should catch up.

Catch up? He lost me there. What exactly did we have to catch up on, I wondered? When I was dating his roommate, I think we exchanged a total of 9 words…if that!

And so I started thinking…who really counts as off-limits? Of course, the above story is a relatively mild example as I only dated his roommate for a few months and they don’t even live together anymore. Not to mention the fact that his roommate is now on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Regardless, they are still friends.

But I’ve definitely had my fair share of far more extreme off-limits situations. The absolute worst was probably when the brother of a guy I was dating told me he was a better match for me than his brother at his brother’s birthday party.

I know you’re dating my brother, but I think I would be so much better for you. You and I have so much more in common. And, I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but I think he may be cheating on you.

Yep, that one could be in the dictionary as an example for the term off-limits…especially because, as it turned out, the brother in question was not actually cheating on me.

But I digress…really, what counts as off-limits anymore? I feel like people in general are starting to have less and less regard for these so-called codes and unspoken rules. If your brothers current girlfriend doesn’t fall into the off-limits column, I don’t know what does! Granted, sometimes these codes seem a little silly, but for the most part I think they have been etched into our culture for the sole reason of preventing people from getting caught up in the moment and therefore causing unnecessary pain to those they care for. These unspoken rules, as trivial as they may sometimes seem, greatly help to reduce the drama of human nature. So why do so many people insist upon crossing the line and breaking the code?