“How can you leave this place?”

As soon as the words hit my eardrums, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes…again.

Tears are seem to be pretty standard for me these days.

“Seriously, how can you leave this place? I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to.”

Such questions seem to be the basis of all my conversations and thoughts these days. I’m in a constant roller coaster pattern. Happy, sad, confused, sad, happy, confused.

I’m leaving Boston. Even as I type the words it doesn’t seem real. How can it be real? I love it here. I love everything about it. Okay, fine, I don’t love everything. Hence the reason(s) I’m leaving. I don’t love my job. I don’t love that most of my family and friends are hundreds of miles away. But I do love Boston. I love, love, love Boston.

Again, I’m experiencing heartbreak because of a place. This is my third heart-wrenching breakup with a place. The first was Antwerp. The second was JMU. And now Boston.

My breakup with Antwerp was the worst. I stayed depressed for an entire month. All I wanted to do was rewrite my journal – seriously, I rewrote every single word – and look at my photographs from the experience. I tried to cling to the moments. I just couldn’t let go. In fact, I don’t think I ever completely let go. My heart still hurts when I think about it.

My breakup with JMU wasn’t quite as bad. Don’t get me wrong, I still consider JMU to be the happiest place on Earth. But when it was time to say goodbye, I was mostly ready to move on. And I knew that my new adventure in Boston was just around the corner.

And now, I’m breaking up with Boston. For some reason, it seems different this time. So please, be patient with me, as I explore this transition. Please allow me to take my time (warning: it may take awhile) saying goodbye to Boston and opening my mind up to the possibilities of my future A.B. [After Boston]…

Why do(n’t) I fall?

This past weekend I took a nice little holiday to New York City. It was the first time I’d actually been to The City that Never Sleeps when I wasn’t just passing through en route to another destination or there for something work-related.

It was great to finally be a New York City tourist! And I was lucky enough to have a very good friend serve as my personal tour guide around the city – I got to see everything! Well, not quite everything, as that would be virtually impossible in one weekend, but a good amount. I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, I experienced the chaos of Times Square, I pretended like I worked on Wall Street, I explored Central Park and I tasted the famous frrrozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. I had a spectacular time. But I didn’t fall in love with the city. And that would have been just fine if only I hadn’t all of a sudden realized that a part of me actually wanted to fall in love with the Big Apple.

So I wonder…why didn’t I?

Why do I fall in love with certain cities, but not others? I fell in love with Boston immediately. Within a handful of seconds of first stepping foot in the city, I knew that I loved it. The same thing happened with the city of Antwerp. The very thought of Antwerp still makes me feel giddy (and terribly nostalgic) inside. It certainly isn’t unusual for me to fall in love with cities. But why Boston? Why Antwerp? Why Chicago, San Francisco and Boulder? And why not New York City?

I wonder, could falling in love with a city be anything like falling in love, or in my case, falling in lust, with a guy?

Perhaps.

What do I look for in a guy? I look for someone who has a passion for life. I look for a good sense of humor. I look for intelligence. I look for someone interesting and exciting. I look for someone who can keep me on my toes. And of course, attractiveness never hurts either.

I suppose all the cities I’ve fallen in love with have those qualities as well. Well, to a certain extent…

Boston is definitely a passionate city. Just ask any Red Sox fan. Boston is definitely an intelligent city. Just count the colleges and universities. Boston definitely knows how to keep things exciting. Just look at the crazy New England weather. And Boston is definitely beautiful. There is no denying that.

Antwerp is cultured and vivacious. Chicago is friendly and fun. San Francisco is open minded and optimistic. Boulder is healthy and unique. Yes, all the cities I’ve fallen in love with possess the same qualities I seem to look for in a guy.

But that still doesn’t really explain why I didn’t fall in love with NYC. The Big Apple also has many of the qualities I tend to look for in a guy (and in a city so it seems), but there just wasn’t a spark. I suppose you can’t exactly tell yourself what city to love just as you can’t exactly tell yourself who to love.

Sorry, New York City…I wanted to fall in love with you, I really did. But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.