Self-Defense vs. Self-Sabotage?

For as long as I can remember my mom has always taught me that I didn’t need someone else to complete me as a person.

“Emily, you don’t need a man to make you happy.”

This lesson has been drilled into my mind since I was a tiny, innocent, curious, impressionistic 4-year-old. I didn’t fully realize the impact this seemingly simple concept had on me until recently.

I have never really been particularly good at relationships. I have always jokingly attributed my relationship issues to my selfish need for personal time and space, but I am starting to see that might not be entirely true.

I am starting to wonder if my independence is simply a means of self-defense and self-preservation. I need to be in control. I need to feel as if I have the upper hand. And I do not like being vulnerable.

Honestly, I have never had a problem with this outlook. I feel as if it has molded me into the strong and confident person that I am today. However, I also feel as if my stubbornness to remain independent and self-reliant may also act as a barrier to potential relationships.

This past weekend, my 13-year-old sister asked me an interesting question:

“Emily, have you ever even been dumped?”

For some reason, the question totally caught me off guard even though it was relevant to the conversation we were having at the time. Of course, the answer is yes. But that’s the short answer. The longer answer would consist of my explaining that yes, once upon time this little girl was the dumpee, but over the last 5, 6, even 7 years, I honestly can’t recall a time when someone else ended the “relationship.” I use the word relationship loosely here, because I can’t even remember the last time I gave a relationship a fair chance.

I am always the one to end it. Usually before it even gets started.

Sometimes it’s because I am legitimately not attracted to the person in question. Sometimes it’s because I feel smothered. And sometimes I am simply scared. So I end it. I end it before I lose control of the situation. I end it before I lose the upper hand. I end it before I become vulnerable. And I end it before I get hurt.

So now, in light of a sudden surge of self-reflection alongside a few recent events, I am questioning my sense of self and I am questioning my reasons for being so stubbornly independent. Am I really defending myself or am I subconsciously sabotaging myself and preventing myself from having a shot at a happy, healthy, semi-normal relationship?