Closer. And yet, Further Away.

I knew this would happen. I don’t think I wanted to believe it, but I knew it. I think I even verbalized it – perhaps I thought that if I said it out loud it wouldn’t come true? I guess I hoped that I was simply having silly, unwarranted fears. I guess I hoped that I would be wrong. But I knew that wasn’t the case. Deep down, I knew.

Friendships change. It’s part of life.

Throughout my life, I have had some incredible friendships. And throughout my life, some of my incredible friendships have changed and some have even faded away.

I am finally – finally! – closer to many of my very best friends. And yet, for some reason, I feel as if I am even further from them than when I was 700 miles away.

A small part of me feels as if I should be mad. But I can’t point fingers. After all, I’d probably be pointing to myself just as much as anyone else. It is what it is. And what is it, you ask? I’m not entirely sure, but I think the most appropriate word would be different. That’s all. Just different. I’m not worried that these friendships will fade away. They have changed, yes, but they won’t ever fade away. They run too deep for that.

I think I just need to acknowledge the fact that my friendships are different. Which makes sense, because we are different. We aren’t in college anymore. We have different lives. We have different goals, priorities and responsibilities.

And I shouldn’t be afraid of this change. If anything, I should embrace the change and embrace my friendships. I am so lucky to be so close to the people who mean the most to me. I can’t allow myself to be throw off by the differences in our lives. I can’t let the difference or the changes have a negative impact on my amazing friendships. If anything, my friendships should grow stronger. We should not just be closer in proximity.

Ignorance can be bliss.

Ignorance: the state in which one lacks knowledge, is unaware of something or chooses to subjectively ignore information.

Yes, ignorance, as in the last two of the three definitions listed above, can be bliss.

Sometimes it is better to be unaware of something. And sometimes it is better to ignore information. However, the ability to subjectively ignore something becomes increasingly difficult once awareness has come into play.

Sometimes I really hate the powers of the Internet. I hate that it occasionally turns me into Nancy Drew. And whenever I play detective I usually end up uncovering mind-consuming information only to discover that I would have much preferred to have maintained a state of ignorance. So here I am, armed with information I would rather be unaware of, trying to figure out how to continue on and subjectively ignore the information I have just uncovered.

It is not easy.

Instead of subjectively ignoring the information that is newly available to me, I find that I am analyzing it obsessively. And I am most likely adding far more context to the story than what actually exists. Which, in turn, is making me a crazy person.

I think it’s time for another Internet detox. It seems that Thanksgiving is coming at the perfect time. And then, after the holiday, I’ll have a detox of the normal persuasion. And then poof! – just like that, I’ll be back to normal. Well, “normal” for me anyways.

 

Does that make me crazy?

This week while traveling on business, I heard a radio show with a segment called does that make me crazy? complete with bits of the song Crazy by Gnarls Barkley thrown in.

Listeners would call in and talk about the weird and random things they do and finish with the line, “does that make me crazy?”

My favorite one:

“Whenever I pass a tree, I have to take off a leaf and put it in my pocket. Does that make me crazy?”

Naturally, I found this particular segment to be quite entertaining, besides the obvious similarity it has to the very title (and sometimes theme) of this blog. And naturally I started thinking of my own weird and random tendencies while asking myself the question, “does that make me crazy?”

Here are a few of my own does that make me crazy? habits, most of which result from my various OCD leanings.

I can only download songs in groups of 5. My playlists must all end in a zero or a five. Does that make me crazy?

I am terrified of sneezing because when I was little someone told me that was the closest you come to death. I try to hold in my sneezes at all costs, but when I know I can’t hold one in, my entire body clenches up until it’s over. After the sneeze I feel amazing, but knowing that feeling will inevitably come doesn’t make me any less scared prior to the sneeze. Does that make me crazy?

When I am writing (to-do lists, thank you notes, etc. etc.) and I make a mistake, I have to completely start over. I can’t find it myself to cross things out and I can’t stand white out. Does that make me crazy?

Honestly, I don’t think any of these things make me as crazy as the dude who always steals leaves from trees, but it’s quite fun to think about. And it’s nice to know that most everyone has a little crazy in them. And the people who don’t admit to being just a tad crazy are probably the ones who take the crazy and turn it into insane.

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you’re out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That’s my only advice

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you’re in control?

Well, I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

(re)focus.

I am happy to report that Operation FILWDC has gotten off to a spectacular start. I have filled the last few days with wanderlust and exploration.

I was fortunate to discover that Saturday was the start of FotoWeek DC. Needless to say, that discovery alone boosted my approval ratings of the city immediately.

On Saturday morning, I ventured out into the unknown with good intentions and an open mind. It was a gorgeous November day – the sun was shining, the air was crisp and I had a game plan. I was planning to go visit several of the featured events for FotoWeek. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when my game plan veered off track. I made it to one of the exhibits on the my list and then I got distracted. It was a good sort of distraction though – I found myself on the waterfront, I found myself back in Boston. Yeah, yeah, I know…that kind of defeats the purpose of the Operation…but don’t worry, I snapped out of it just in time to realize that I was in DC and, more importantly, that I was actually enjoying it.

Over the past two days, I have stumbled across many things I could grow to love about my new city. Contrary to my first impression of DC, I found out that there is actually some interesting architecture. It’s just a matter of knowing where to look. And maybe DC isn’t as old as Boston, but there seems to be quite a bit of history here too. And culture. There is definitely a rich tapestry of culture.

Once I cleared the dust (a.k.a. the stubbornness) off my lenses (a.k.a. my eyes), I was able to see some real beauty within this incredible city that I now call home.

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs.  When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.  ~Ansel Adams

Operation Fall in Love with DC.

Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for me over the last few months. I have an amazing and intellectually stimulating job where I am surrounded by interesting and fun people. I live in close proximity to my family and many of my very best friends. I have a great apartment of my very own. I’m young. I’m healthy. I’m happy. Life is good.

BUT I am not in Boston. And as much as I try to shake it, I can’t ignore the fact that I still miss the city terribly. At least once every single day (yes, every single day), I am struck with the sharp realization that I. am. not. still. there.

You would think that by now I would have adjusted, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. As much as I love everything about being where I am right now, I am not in love with where I am right now. Yes, there is a difference.

And so, on that note, I have decided to embark on Operation Fall in Love with DC, Operation FILWDC, if you will. I know that a piece of my heart will always remain in the city of Boston, just as a piece of my heart will forever reside in the city of Antwerp, but in order for me to be completely present in the here and now, I have to let go. I have to open my mind to the possibility of loving this place.

I know it won’t be easy. And I know it won’t happen over night. But I also know that definitely it won’t happen if I remain resistant towards the idea. And so, starting today, with a little bit of sunshine on my side, I will officially begin the Operation.

Stay tuned.

Learning to breathe.

I have always struggled with breathing naturally. Yes, you read that correctly. I have always struggled with one of the most fundamental aspects of being human. I’m sure that sounds a bit strange to most people. In fact, it would have sounded strange to me 7 years ago, before I started practicing yoga.

But as soon as I began my exploration of yoga, this static difficulty of mine became painfully apparent. I found it extremely challenging to let go of my breath, so to speak. While it was relatively easy for me to move my body into the various postures, I struggled to take the asanas deeper by relinquishing control of (or taking control of – depending on how you look at it) my breathing. I had a tendency to hold my breath, thus making it continuously arduous for me to reap the full benefits of my yoga practice.

Today I realized that I never finished the book I started a few months ago, The Wisdom of Yoga, and after my plans for some DC exploration were put on hold due to the rain, I was excited to pick up where I left off:

- Chapter 12: Breath, Trust and The Transmutation of Hunger –

I’ve always thought that my struggle with breathing was relatively unique, but as I reemerged myself into The Wisdom of Yoga, I realized this was probably a long-held misconception on my part.

The chapter began with an example of a woman who had great difficulty with the breathing practice of nadi-shodhana. Stephen Cope, the author as well as this woman’s yoga instructor, noted her “hunger for air – a strange kind of overindulgence.”

She was always moving, driven – eager for the next moment, for what it might bring. She was, as a result, time-bound, rushed, and slightly frantic – always leaning into the next moment.

I felt as if I was reading someone’s thoughts about me. It was strange, but incredibly interesting. As I continued reading, I started to recognize more and more similarities between myself and the woman being used as the example in this particular chapter.

I suddenly realized that in order to really improve my breathing on the mat, I must also focus on my breathing off the mat. If I am able to bring a greater sense of awareness into my “regular” breathing, it will undoubtedly translate into my practice of yoga as well.

Easy, right? Not exactly. But I am looking forward to taking on the challenge.

As realization dawns, the distinction between breathing in and out falls away. Then the veil lifts from the mind’s luminosity. And the mind is now fit for concentration.